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Thursday, December 31, 2009
Ending the new year...
It's 12/31/2009...new years eve. This entry is very retrospective. I started writing this blog, because a very very good friend of mine suggested that writing down thoughts and ideas, would help me sort through them. So upon looking over the last year documented on this blog, I feel that its only right to give a "lessons learned" entry. The blog has helped me realize where I've been and where I'm going. And I hope that I might find the next year filled with some new adventures.
I feel that all the crazy encounters, gut busting defeats, and glimmers of hope, 2009 was without a doubt a miracle. A miracle that I survived it all. Take for example, my ongoing analysis and in depth interpretations of dating. Being in the later part of my 20's, dating only seemed to get harder. I longed for those days were puppy love was carefree and magical. The days were 2 people can go merrily and unknowingly be in love. Now, I know that it won't ever be the same way. I believe that every dating encounter I had in 2009 taught me something very valuable- relationships are inherently a need everyone seeks in life. But its about finding the right one that is the challenge.
In 2009, I adopted a term that explained a lot of the men I seemingly was dating: Unavailable Available Men. This was a term I used to categorize and compartmentalize a group of men that have walked in and out of my life. In all, these men were emotionally unavailable, at least with me. Seemingly and secretively not invested in emotional ties or intimate relationship growth. I've learned he's just not that into me.
And so, these types of men were darting in and out of most of 2009. Then life throws you a curve ball- an old crush from my childhood emerges 12 years later. This encounter was overwhelmingly awesome and at the same time toxic and empty. I learned that you can almost fall in love with someone and have that same person never love you back. It was like being on the verge of greatness, and then find out you were the only one having that fantasy. Many told me that he never deserved me, and they are right. I learned I was quick to want to fall in love. So blinded by wanting a relationship, that I would have one with a no-good, lying, heartless person. Cursed by wanting love. I'm glad it ended. Its best this way, to learn that I should more careful with my heart.
However, 2009 wasn't without great accomplishments and bold risk taking moves on my part. I moved out of my parents house. I found out quickly that independence is like a drug. You must be careful before you dig yourself into a hole that you can't climb out of. I don't regret a minute of my decision. It actually made me feel more empowered and stronger. The feeling to make it on your own made it all worth it. And coming with this new independence, came a strong core of friends. I found that my closest friends were those who didn't hesitate to lend a helping hand. I realized that I didn't have to go at this alone, and I found true friendships. I'm so grateful for those friends, I couldn't make it through 2009 without you!
Although, 2009 changed me and broke me down, I would have to say my biggest accomplishment/gain was my family. 2009 was all about family for me and I am so grateful for that. I have never been so close to my family (on both sides) until 2009. The moment that changed it all, was the death of my grandma Lucille. Her death was so significant in our family. Her death resurrected our family. It seems unfortunate to have someone die before we can appreciate one another, but I feel like it was a pivotal point in the lives of my entire family. I feel like I have a family that's stronger in ties then ever before. Her death revived our family, I hope that she can see us from heaven and she can rest in peace.
Finally, 2009 for me is over. I've made my peace with all the changes and disappointments. But I am also happy with all the accomplishments. 2009 for me is most definitely a miracle. I wonder what's in store for me in 2010?
I feel that all the crazy encounters, gut busting defeats, and glimmers of hope, 2009 was without a doubt a miracle. A miracle that I survived it all. Take for example, my ongoing analysis and in depth interpretations of dating. Being in the later part of my 20's, dating only seemed to get harder. I longed for those days were puppy love was carefree and magical. The days were 2 people can go merrily and unknowingly be in love. Now, I know that it won't ever be the same way. I believe that every dating encounter I had in 2009 taught me something very valuable- relationships are inherently a need everyone seeks in life. But its about finding the right one that is the challenge.
In 2009, I adopted a term that explained a lot of the men I seemingly was dating: Unavailable Available Men. This was a term I used to categorize and compartmentalize a group of men that have walked in and out of my life. In all, these men were emotionally unavailable, at least with me. Seemingly and secretively not invested in emotional ties or intimate relationship growth. I've learned he's just not that into me.
And so, these types of men were darting in and out of most of 2009. Then life throws you a curve ball- an old crush from my childhood emerges 12 years later. This encounter was overwhelmingly awesome and at the same time toxic and empty. I learned that you can almost fall in love with someone and have that same person never love you back. It was like being on the verge of greatness, and then find out you were the only one having that fantasy. Many told me that he never deserved me, and they are right. I learned I was quick to want to fall in love. So blinded by wanting a relationship, that I would have one with a no-good, lying, heartless person. Cursed by wanting love. I'm glad it ended. Its best this way, to learn that I should more careful with my heart.
However, 2009 wasn't without great accomplishments and bold risk taking moves on my part. I moved out of my parents house. I found out quickly that independence is like a drug. You must be careful before you dig yourself into a hole that you can't climb out of. I don't regret a minute of my decision. It actually made me feel more empowered and stronger. The feeling to make it on your own made it all worth it. And coming with this new independence, came a strong core of friends. I found that my closest friends were those who didn't hesitate to lend a helping hand. I realized that I didn't have to go at this alone, and I found true friendships. I'm so grateful for those friends, I couldn't make it through 2009 without you!
Although, 2009 changed me and broke me down, I would have to say my biggest accomplishment/gain was my family. 2009 was all about family for me and I am so grateful for that. I have never been so close to my family (on both sides) until 2009. The moment that changed it all, was the death of my grandma Lucille. Her death was so significant in our family. Her death resurrected our family. It seems unfortunate to have someone die before we can appreciate one another, but I feel like it was a pivotal point in the lives of my entire family. I feel like I have a family that's stronger in ties then ever before. Her death revived our family, I hope that she can see us from heaven and she can rest in peace.
Finally, 2009 for me is over. I've made my peace with all the changes and disappointments. But I am also happy with all the accomplishments. 2009 for me is most definitely a miracle. I wonder what's in store for me in 2010?
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