The Many Things I am Thankful for....

This past Christmas has been not about material things and not about how many people attend your parties. For the first time in a long time, I truly understand the meaning of the word "thankful". I will admit I placed alot of monetary value on presents, what people bought me and how much they cost. I tried to match the cost of gifts based on what I bought before. I also felt that the number of parties to attend were important because it meant more white elephant gifts. But after all that I have been through it all seems so useless and unecessary. It takes the rough, dreadful situations to make you see that money can't buy you everything.

I've become very thankful for friends and family.

Relationships...Where is prince charming?

So I've commented before about unavailable available men. I have yet to understand where I stand. Perhaps the hardest to overcome is fear. Uncertainty is and will be a battle for me. If only I can have a crystal ball in my purse so that I can call upon the gypsy spirits to let me know what will happen next.

I'm not looking for anything serious....

Why is that line the kiss of death...? At 26 you'd think that would be okay to hear. I mean serious at this day and age means commitment and god forbid that happen now at your prime.

I guess I must confess that I long for affection and love. Hopelessly looking for the longing stares, and soft kisses. I could get lost in romance. Perhaps my one secert I like to keep hidden. Its just easier that way. It scares most men. I long for intimate attenttion, love that lasts forever. All that poetry that only Shakespeare captures.

And for some reason, this is hard to find. Its fear that drives us away and apart. Fear that if we let ourselves in the loving, scared place that pain and disappointment will follow. I can't blame them.

Where is prince charming....?

Places

My place of solace...!

Wanting...what I can't have

The desperation, the inspiration. I am challenged everyday by the things I can't have.

Screw that!

Wanting is feeling so full of hope, so full of joy. That yearning, that long awaited satisfaction. Its knowing that what you want is going to be so gratifying that it boils and churns with excitment. You are beaming love. Its the anticipation, that overcomes you. All you can do is think about how much life will be so much better than before.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................Breathe

That wanting can also be fleeting...It can escape you and leave you stranded...alone....despaired....
You can find yourself... in darkeness that burns a hole in your spirit for the same reasons why you wanted it.

The things that I can't have. Wanting them. Has tortured me. Loathed me...Changed me.
Wanting you is torture...sadness...rithing pain so unbelievable that I can't seek resolve


The things I can't have are haunting me...i'm scared

Dreams

Some people say dreams are what your subconscious mind is harboring. I believe dreams are little snaps shots of what you are really thinking. I believe my dreams are symbolic representation of what are minds and spirit are processing in our current state of reality.

I can't dream....

I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't breathe. So hard to breathe. My chest hurts.

I can't dream...

In my conscious state, I can't smile.

I can't dream...

I am lost and gone.

I can't dream...

The Matters of the Heart

I am so perplexed by things that concern the matters of the heart. Dating, loving and relationships are these days so complicated it can consume about 85-90% of our brain power.

The crazy interactions that concern a man and woman are by far the most intimate but also most perplexing of human behaviors.

I have recently coined a term to describe my dating situation: The most unavailable available men

So what does that mean?

To give you some context, I was recently at a club having a "girls night out". In the glitz and shining strobe lights, hypnotized by the beating bass, it was a breeding ground for having a couple of stiff drinks and scoping out the flirting scene. As my girlfriends and I aggressively walked to the bar, there was a hip, yet rugged guy across the bar that caught my eye. We exchanged smiles, and couldn't stop glancing in each other direction. After I downed my shot of patron silver in the most lady like fashion I motioned him to follow me to the "smoking area" (which was right around the corner from the bar). There, we meet. He threw down a really lame pick up line and I retaliated with a flirty coy smile. I brushed off the lame line due to the blinding effect alcohol can have on your senses. After several minutes of witty, flirty banter, I snapped the following line, "You are the most unavailabe available guy...aren't you?" For a moment, it felt like the club and all the people in it came to a grinding halt. As if time stopped for a hot second after I uttered that phrase.

I had to quickly assemble a come back line and explain.....the unavailable available phrase.

For me the idea came from the observation of people who are emotionally removed from engaging in any intimate relationships. When I speak about intimate relationships, it is everything excluding the physical aspect. This person can't provide the time to connect on a emotional and spiritual level. So this person is claiming their single status outloud, but once you dig deeper they are more unavailable.

It can also pertain to individuals who have walled or guarded themselves to others. Although on the outside all seems so fresh and warm, this person cannot disclose their true self to another because of fear or doubt. Although on the outside all seems so fresh and warm, this person cannot disclose their true self to another because of fear or doubt.

The unavailable avaiable guys seem to haunt me. Its like a curse of some sort. I am attracted to intelligence, confidence, and perspectives, but that shouldn't exclude vulnerability. Given the right relationship, I will not be afraid. I am willing to be open and show vulnerability. I think it is important to move forward to let your guard down. Until then....

So you ask what happened at the club..? Just what I expected more unavailable than available...

*all events above are true accounts...

If it couldn't get any worse....

Anger is suppose to fleeting...somewhat superficial. NOT!!!!!!

I'm so angry at that fact I lost everything....maybe its karma kicking my ass. Nevertheless, I am faced with being laid off from a job I thought was a good opportunity. I worked so hard to build a career, a profession that I know I'm good at. And now I have nothing because our government and its officials can't get it together. This economic crisis has changed everything.

I know that so many people aren't really experiencing it. But everyone better freakin' wake up....
For me and hundreds of other people and their families are suffering from it.

I don't want your sympathy, I don't want your sorries. I want change.

This election is so freakin important. I've never been so eager to vote. This economic crisis has left me my dreams shot down and a slap so hard that I can't find my way back up.

If this is the second coming of the great depression, everyone better hold on to whatever they find important; perhaps its your jobs, your family or your significant other because, frankly, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel with a republician running the show.

The gospel according to C-real