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Thursday, December 31, 2009
Ending the new year...
It's 12/31/2009...new years eve. This entry is very retrospective. I started writing this blog, because a very very good friend of mine suggested that writing down thoughts and ideas, would help me sort through them. So upon looking over the last year documented on this blog, I feel that its only right to give a "lessons learned" entry. The blog has helped me realize where I've been and where I'm going. And I hope that I might find the next year filled with some new adventures.
I feel that all the crazy encounters, gut busting defeats, and glimmers of hope, 2009 was without a doubt a miracle. A miracle that I survived it all. Take for example, my ongoing analysis and in depth interpretations of dating. Being in the later part of my 20's, dating only seemed to get harder. I longed for those days were puppy love was carefree and magical. The days were 2 people can go merrily and unknowingly be in love. Now, I know that it won't ever be the same way. I believe that every dating encounter I had in 2009 taught me something very valuable- relationships are inherently a need everyone seeks in life. But its about finding the right one that is the challenge.
In 2009, I adopted a term that explained a lot of the men I seemingly was dating: Unavailable Available Men. This was a term I used to categorize and compartmentalize a group of men that have walked in and out of my life. In all, these men were emotionally unavailable, at least with me. Seemingly and secretively not invested in emotional ties or intimate relationship growth. I've learned he's just not that into me.
And so, these types of men were darting in and out of most of 2009. Then life throws you a curve ball- an old crush from my childhood emerges 12 years later. This encounter was overwhelmingly awesome and at the same time toxic and empty. I learned that you can almost fall in love with someone and have that same person never love you back. It was like being on the verge of greatness, and then find out you were the only one having that fantasy. Many told me that he never deserved me, and they are right. I learned I was quick to want to fall in love. So blinded by wanting a relationship, that I would have one with a no-good, lying, heartless person. Cursed by wanting love. I'm glad it ended. Its best this way, to learn that I should more careful with my heart.
However, 2009 wasn't without great accomplishments and bold risk taking moves on my part. I moved out of my parents house. I found out quickly that independence is like a drug. You must be careful before you dig yourself into a hole that you can't climb out of. I don't regret a minute of my decision. It actually made me feel more empowered and stronger. The feeling to make it on your own made it all worth it. And coming with this new independence, came a strong core of friends. I found that my closest friends were those who didn't hesitate to lend a helping hand. I realized that I didn't have to go at this alone, and I found true friendships. I'm so grateful for those friends, I couldn't make it through 2009 without you!
Although, 2009 changed me and broke me down, I would have to say my biggest accomplishment/gain was my family. 2009 was all about family for me and I am so grateful for that. I have never been so close to my family (on both sides) until 2009. The moment that changed it all, was the death of my grandma Lucille. Her death was so significant in our family. Her death resurrected our family. It seems unfortunate to have someone die before we can appreciate one another, but I feel like it was a pivotal point in the lives of my entire family. I feel like I have a family that's stronger in ties then ever before. Her death revived our family, I hope that she can see us from heaven and she can rest in peace.
Finally, 2009 for me is over. I've made my peace with all the changes and disappointments. But I am also happy with all the accomplishments. 2009 for me is most definitely a miracle. I wonder what's in store for me in 2010?
I feel that all the crazy encounters, gut busting defeats, and glimmers of hope, 2009 was without a doubt a miracle. A miracle that I survived it all. Take for example, my ongoing analysis and in depth interpretations of dating. Being in the later part of my 20's, dating only seemed to get harder. I longed for those days were puppy love was carefree and magical. The days were 2 people can go merrily and unknowingly be in love. Now, I know that it won't ever be the same way. I believe that every dating encounter I had in 2009 taught me something very valuable- relationships are inherently a need everyone seeks in life. But its about finding the right one that is the challenge.
In 2009, I adopted a term that explained a lot of the men I seemingly was dating: Unavailable Available Men. This was a term I used to categorize and compartmentalize a group of men that have walked in and out of my life. In all, these men were emotionally unavailable, at least with me. Seemingly and secretively not invested in emotional ties or intimate relationship growth. I've learned he's just not that into me.
And so, these types of men were darting in and out of most of 2009. Then life throws you a curve ball- an old crush from my childhood emerges 12 years later. This encounter was overwhelmingly awesome and at the same time toxic and empty. I learned that you can almost fall in love with someone and have that same person never love you back. It was like being on the verge of greatness, and then find out you were the only one having that fantasy. Many told me that he never deserved me, and they are right. I learned I was quick to want to fall in love. So blinded by wanting a relationship, that I would have one with a no-good, lying, heartless person. Cursed by wanting love. I'm glad it ended. Its best this way, to learn that I should more careful with my heart.
However, 2009 wasn't without great accomplishments and bold risk taking moves on my part. I moved out of my parents house. I found out quickly that independence is like a drug. You must be careful before you dig yourself into a hole that you can't climb out of. I don't regret a minute of my decision. It actually made me feel more empowered and stronger. The feeling to make it on your own made it all worth it. And coming with this new independence, came a strong core of friends. I found that my closest friends were those who didn't hesitate to lend a helping hand. I realized that I didn't have to go at this alone, and I found true friendships. I'm so grateful for those friends, I couldn't make it through 2009 without you!
Although, 2009 changed me and broke me down, I would have to say my biggest accomplishment/gain was my family. 2009 was all about family for me and I am so grateful for that. I have never been so close to my family (on both sides) until 2009. The moment that changed it all, was the death of my grandma Lucille. Her death was so significant in our family. Her death resurrected our family. It seems unfortunate to have someone die before we can appreciate one another, but I feel like it was a pivotal point in the lives of my entire family. I feel like I have a family that's stronger in ties then ever before. Her death revived our family, I hope that she can see us from heaven and she can rest in peace.
Finally, 2009 for me is over. I've made my peace with all the changes and disappointments. But I am also happy with all the accomplishments. 2009 for me is most definitely a miracle. I wonder what's in store for me in 2010?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Feels Good
I listened to this song and it put a huge smile on my face. I am dedicating this to a close friend of mine. The Good life is about confidence in yourself. Keep your head up!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Analyzing Relationships Part 1
me: no no
2:23 PM i mean..it just makes me realize that
2:24 PM im scared
marissa: of what?
me: im scared of serious relationship, even talking about serious relationships
im scared of liking someone
im scared of being vulnerable
2:25 PM i mean gordon is a good guy
but i think its too much too fast
and that makes me want to run away
2:26 PM marissa: ....and that my friend is how you would have let him down easy...exactly what you just said
that is true honesty, and no guy can argue that
2:27 PM not to be bias or anything, but that, I think, is what gordon deserved to hear from you rather than leaving him for 20 so minutes (w/ Lorly ;-))
2:28 PM me: i guess so
do u remeber when i told u i had a dream about my hair falling out
2:29 PM marissa: hmmm...refresh my memory
me: so a feew months ago i had a dream about my hair falling out
and when i looked up the meanin
2:30 PM it said that it means there is a relationship that is putting a strain on u
i don't usually believe it sometimes but i can't help that maybe gordon was that strain
2:31 PM marissa: ...and that's fine that you felt that way
it was also fine that you didn't want to continue seeing him
2:32 PM at least u were being honest with yourself
2:33 PM me: i think i am so scared and hesitant these days
2:34 PM marissa: you and mean both!
you and me both!
2:36 PM me: u know i get more and more hesitant these days
2:38 PM marissa: however, i keep reminding myself to take it day by day
me: im only confusing my self more and more with the type of guy that im attracted to
2:39 PM marissa: ...i think the moment i start to feel scared...i need to ask myself how come, and then think about whether if it's really that "bad"?
it's like the first time jumping into the deep end of the pool...
2:40 PM me: ihope this doesn't sound really conceited
2:41 PM but i think i need to make a list of all the guys that i dated or liked me and make a list
2:42 PM marissa: did you ever get t read the list of must haves and can't stands?
what would your list consist of?
me: no but i think im going to have to do taht list
2:23 PM i mean..it just makes me realize that
2:24 PM im scared
marissa: of what?
me: im scared of serious relationship, even talking about serious relationships
im scared of liking someone
im scared of being vulnerable
2:25 PM i mean gordon is a good guy
but i think its too much too fast
and that makes me want to run away
2:26 PM marissa: ....and that my friend is how you would have let him down easy...exactly what you just said
that is true honesty, and no guy can argue that
2:27 PM not to be bias or anything, but that, I think, is what gordon deserved to hear from you rather than leaving him for 20 so minutes (w/ Lorly ;-))
2:28 PM me: i guess so
do u remeber when i told u i had a dream about my hair falling out
2:29 PM marissa: hmmm...refresh my memory
me: so a feew months ago i had a dream about my hair falling out
and when i looked up the meanin
2:30 PM it said that it means there is a relationship that is putting a strain on u
i don't usually believe it sometimes but i can't help that maybe gordon was that strain
2:31 PM marissa: ...and that's fine that you felt that way
it was also fine that you didn't want to continue seeing him
2:32 PM at least u were being honest with yourself
2:33 PM me: i think i am so scared and hesitant these days
2:34 PM marissa: you and mean both!
you and me both!
2:36 PM me: u know i get more and more hesitant these days
2:38 PM marissa: however, i keep reminding myself to take it day by day
me: im only confusing my self more and more with the type of guy that im attracted to
2:39 PM marissa: ...i think the moment i start to feel scared...i need to ask myself how come, and then think about whether if it's really that "bad"?
it's like the first time jumping into the deep end of the pool...
2:40 PM me: ihope this doesn't sound really conceited
2:41 PM but i think i need to make a list of all the guys that i dated or liked me and make a list
2:42 PM marissa: did you ever get t read the list of must haves and can't stands?
what would your list consist of?
me: no but i think im going to have to do taht list
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Everything to lose
Relationships are a funny thing. It consumes every part of us. Mind, soul, character.
The hardest challenges I've faced is confronting relationships and the adverse side effects that occurs when we try to fix, mend, or resolve them. I'm often challenged by the willingness to fully disclose my heart and what to compromise with the other person. How much is too much? How much is enough? When I know I can love someone its hard not to hold on so tight. So tight you don't want to let it go. Some would perceive it as smothering...I believe its because I fear loss.
Is it all or nothing?
I think I'm too involved in finding love and making love work, even if it won't find me.
I am Jaded
There are 2 people in this world that have broken my heart. One glaring similarity between these 2 people, was I invested all parts of me. I was willing to become vulnerable to them because I felt that they were worth it. Worth the risk. Broken to the point where I've buried every emotion, every grain of feeling deep down inside the dark corners of my heart. I want to forget, but somehow my heart cannot forgive.
The hardest challenges I've faced is confronting relationships and the adverse side effects that occurs when we try to fix, mend, or resolve them. I'm often challenged by the willingness to fully disclose my heart and what to compromise with the other person. How much is too much? How much is enough? When I know I can love someone its hard not to hold on so tight. So tight you don't want to let it go. Some would perceive it as smothering...I believe its because I fear loss.
Is it all or nothing?
I think I'm too involved in finding love and making love work, even if it won't find me.
I am Jaded
There are 2 people in this world that have broken my heart. One glaring similarity between these 2 people, was I invested all parts of me. I was willing to become vulnerable to them because I felt that they were worth it. Worth the risk. Broken to the point where I've buried every emotion, every grain of feeling deep down inside the dark corners of my heart. I want to forget, but somehow my heart cannot forgive.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The new year
Its the 12th day of the new year. Why do I feel like more of a loser? No closer than I was before. Somehow I thought when the ball dropped to signify the new year, things might magically change for me.
Should I pray
Should I meditate
Should I bring offerings to a special diety
I only feel lost, actually more lost than I did before. I just need a glimer of hope a sign even.
I am waiting....
Should I pray
Should I meditate
Should I bring offerings to a special diety
I only feel lost, actually more lost than I did before. I just need a glimer of hope a sign even.
I am waiting....
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